anniversary card shopping

"Can I eat now?"

"No, they're about to start skating. You have to do it when they're done. You missed your chance."

Today is our three year wedding anniversary. I'm grateful to be with a man who won't stick up for himself when I forbid him from eating his damn chips while I'm watching the Olympics.

He's a loud eater, though. I get nutso crazy hearing his crunching and spit swishing. I once tried to hold in my annoyance so long that I finally combusted, screaming, "If you can't eat a chip without shaking the room, maybe suck on it a little bit first!"

I went shopping for an anniversary card this morning. I always hear Jim Gaffigan when reading cards. "Yeah, that sounds like something I'd say." They were particularly awful today. There was one with a cage of birds and the statement, "My heart didn't know how to sing before I met you." Your heart's gonna learn to cry if you keep that up.

Another one, aiming for more authenticity, started with an ominous, "I love you no matter what." Inside read a line about sometimes being crazy for one another and other times driving each other crazy. I appreciate the realism, but Jesus. They might as well have gone with:

Outside: I love you no matter what.

Inside: The illogical chemicals in my brain that caused me to marry you may have worn off and I'm left with that choice, but I will always begrudgingly love you.  Happy anniversary (period, no exclamation point).

Or...

Outside: I love you no matter what

Inside: I'm kinda lazy, so....

Come to think of it, maybe with a little editing it would have been perfect for me.

Outside: I love you no matter what.

Inside: Even though we're always one chip away from a trial separation. Happy anniversary!