I haven't written in awhile. It's only March and I'm already slipping from the resolution I made to write more. I usually carve out a little time each week to write by having a babysitter come over for three hours. I write, search and apply for jobs, do online errands, and sometimes, regrettably, waste time on social media. The babysitter didn't show up today. I'm not sure why. I didn't text her to ask, I guess out of fear. Maybe she forgot? That's a weird thing to forgot, though -- a standing appointment. I think I haven't texted her because I'm partly embarrassed for her that she didn't show up, in case she did in fact forget, and also the possibility that she just doesn't want to work for me anymore and not showing up is her cowardly way of going about it. I understand. I did that once. When I was 18 and didn't want to work pushing store credit cards on people at Victoria's Secret anymore. I didn't show up for a couple of days before I got a call. My sister answered and then screamed, "Hanna! It's for you!" while I attempted in vain to get her to stop shouting my name, miming that I'm not here. "Oh, uhh, she's not here right now. Can I take a message?" Before fully hanging up she begins to explain, "They want to know if you're coming to work."


But I feel like babysitting Felicity for three hours once a week is an easy, sweet gig. While I do stay in the apartment most of the time, I don't hover and I don't think I make anyone feel uncomfortable about watching my baby while I'm still there. I shut my door. I stay out of it, even when I hear that she's crying and I know the solution (the baby, not the sitter). Considering it unfathomable that a college student would no longer want to make the easiest $35 dollars ever, my mind takes a dark turn, and I wonder if something bad happened. Maybe she got into an accident? Maybe, and I'm sorry if I'm awful for wondering this, but they are my thoughts -- maybe she's dead?


Or maybe she just got a new job.


She probably hates me. That's it.


Well fuck her. She's fired.


But if she just shows up next week like nothing happened, then OK.


Look, though. Felicity fell asleep and I'm writing, sorta, so maybe I don't need a sitter after all. I just need to be better about working while she naps. I usually clean, cook, etc, while she sleeps, but I can let those things go a bit, I suppose.