four more days and three years ago

This is possibly my last post as a single lady. For people who know me or knew me, the fact that I am getting married is a funny change of plans. I did profess not long ago, and for quite some time, that I was probably not ever going to marry, and I was satisfied with that. I wasn't chasing any fairytale. I had no idea what my life had in store.

Last Friday marked the three year anniversary of my moms death. So much has changed since then, although I can hardly believe three years have gone by. I'm still incredibly sad, but I am not as grief stricken as I was the first two years, in which I can't remember a day going by that I didn't cry. My sister mentioned that she looses her breath for a moment when she realises mom is gone and she will never get to see her again. I have that same exact feeling. When the first anniversary rolled around and then the second, and even now too, I felt pain not only in her death but also in the passing time. The more time goes by, the more real her death is -- my clinging to the hope that I will awake from this terrible nightmare becomes more obviously delusional and implausible. It's also almost as if I'm allowing the time to go by and in doing so I'm leaving Mom behind. I know this isn't the truth, but it feels like it is. There's a folksy song I listen to when I feel like crying with the lyrics "Sometimes time is nothing more than pain in disguise..." which combats the saying, "time heals all wounds." For me, it's all the same.

The juxtaposition of my wedding euphoria and my grief is difficult to describe -- the word bittersweet isn't intense enough. My wedding is going to be an unforgettably happy day in my life, but dang I'll miss mom!

solo cinco mas dias

Woah. Five freaking more days. I just have to get through today and tomorrow at work and then we're off to San Antonio for our whirlwind wedding week. A co-worker who recently got married told me to "soak in every moment because it goes by so fast." Duly noted.

Last night Eugenio bought me man-approved lingerie for the first night of our honeymoon. I get a kick out of thinking about him in the store picking everything out. He told me, with an interesting choice of words, "You'll look awesome. Really, you topple those models." Yeah, with my thighs. I tried the lacy, pink delicates on partly to ensure that they fit and mostly to figure out the logistics. It took me about ten minutes to get the stockings attached to the string thingies hanging from the underwear and then figured, well this is going to make for an interesting night, thinking about E figuring out how to take them off. Sexy but complicated. I'll post a picture later. Forgive me if this is too much information. I'm just super excited about losing my virginity...




..... haha just kidding.