Felicity drank from the bottle! Hallelujah! After a very long, patient process of elimination, scouring the globe for every bottle and nipple combination in all the land, we met our match. Everyone said 

we were just going to have to suck it up and do a battle of the wills, that it wasn't about the bottle. I was weak and couldn't handle letting her cry while I withheld my overflowing bosom, but lo and behold, my instincts were right. However, note to future self and word to the wise, because what the Internet needs is more advice on how to raise your baby, amiright: don't wait too long to introduce your babe to a bottle if it's necessary or important to you.

Now, let us all bow our heads and pray that it wasn't a one time deal. 

And look at this cutie: 

This is my five year old nephew doing his Insanity workout. My sister says he does this from time to time on his own, unprovoked and she lets him because she doesn't want to discourage exercise. Lol lol lol.  

Can we get him on some promo material? I think he has an 8 pack. 

All the Housewives are getting married.

I don't have the time to watch all these shit shows right now, Bravo. I don't have the time.

But, OK. 

"How am I supposed to live in a place that only has a Walmart?!" 

When we first moved here, after a few

days of inward panic, I resolved to make the best of it and search for the gems. The very hidden gems in a place described by former inhabitants as "shithole" and "God forsaken."

Last night we had food at a Thai food restaurant called Thai Food that also sold donuts. Well, actually it was really a donut shop that also sold Thai food, the only Thai food in town. Of course I had to go! The food was OK; it will suffice. Any place that hands out a free bag of the day's assorted donuts upon my leaving is definitely a gem. Dinner, dessert, and tomorrow's 4 A.M. breakfast, what's to hate about that? Felicity decided she had enough sleep at 4. After fruitlessly attempting to coax her to sleep, I drowned my seething, nearly raging, sleep deprivation with coffee and reached for that donut bag.

Silver linings, gems, coffee, light and positivity, donuts, love, love, love, coffee...

My mission impossible for the week is to get my adorable fart monster to take a bottle. So far we've tried almost every bottle on the planet. Nothing takes, not even the odd squishy, teeny nipple bottle from Korea that Eugenio's coworker lent us. I just bought a cheap, less than $3 bottle at Walmart, the last bottle on Earth. It's gonna be the one. Right? That's how the world works? Tell me yes. I need this to work. 

Yesterday we bought a Keurig. We're closer to the 1% now, so going after big dreams. It's the first coffee maker I've ever owned. I've been drinking instant coffee for over 13 years. After a crappy night waking up too many times with a growing Felicity, I needed that fresh brewed cup followed by a cappuccino followed by another cup, but regretfully decaf. I was so happy gulping down all that money. But then I started thinking about upkeep cost of all those individually packaged mini coffees. What a stupid idea! What have we done?! We're going to be poor again! 

"I live [sic] and adore children, especially babies. They are so small, like little aliens." - A response I received when asking one of our applicants if she had experience with and if she was comfortable caring for young babies.

We're currently looking for a babysitter to help out when I have doctor's appointments and for occasional date nights. Not knowing a single soul in this city, it's a bit rough -- the process of finding a caregiver and making do without one. My gyno appointment was an embarrassment. The office staff had to take turns babysitting Felicity while I urinated in a cup and had an exam. I have two follow up ultrasounds soon and they politely hinted that I should bring someone to help me with the baby, as if I wasn't aware of the hassle I created. I said, "Yes, of course. I apologize. We just moved here and I haven't been able to find a sitter yet." 

I've started the process searching online. I used to work as a sort of head hunter for sitters and nannies as my first job out of college. I know the questions to ask and standards to set, but it's a completely different feeling when it's your own kid. I'd be so much better at that job now that I have this perspective. That said, I might have to have this woman who referred to babies as aliens help me next week at my appointment. 

Wait, why does fat-free half and half exist? What's the point? How was I supposed to know to be wary of this nonsensical, icky product when reaching for my coffee staple at the grocery store? My day was ruined.