I woke up early and couldn't go back to sleep. The baby was up and kicking too. I'm sure everyone says this, but it's my favorite, such an awesome feeling. I'll be 20 weeks on Monday and the baby is kicking and thumping around a lot now. Eugenio can feel it too when he touches my stomach and we can even see it when I lift my shirt. I'm a little worried about how my stomach is possibly going to grow and stretch for 20 more weeks. I've been googling pictures of 35 to 40 week pregnant bellies to prepare myself for the destruction ahead. I saw one that almost made me cry until I noticed she was having triplets. 

I had a dream about my mom last night. She came back to life and I was talking to her and crying about the way she died. In my dream, when she knew she was about to die, she asked me to take her to this river or lake where we floated on a raft and then I let her go under -- something like the scene in Titanic. This was her request, to go peacefully. (Because drowning is always peaceful? Dreams are weird.) When she was gone, like 20 seconds later, I felt panicked and went under to try to bring her back but couldn't find her anywhere. In my dream life afterwards, I felt so guilty and remorseful that I did the wrong thing, that I shouldn't have let her go. And then somehow, years, or I really don't know how long later, she came back and we were discussing her passing. She comforted me and assured me that I did the right thing. I was so indescribably happy to see her again -- in my dream and in waking life. To crudely analyze, I've always felt guilty, as most do after the death of a loved one, about everything -- like I wasn't there enough and obsessing over any mean or selfish thing I ever said or did. That guilt never really goes away, even though I know my mom wasn't harboring any resentment.

Even when they are somber and awful, I love dreaming about my mom because I feel like I get to see and experience her again. I get so sad now wishing she were here; that desire is always lurking, but it's a more pronounced feeling when I'm going through any major life changes. I'm sad that Eugenio never got to meet her. She would have loved him dearly and he would have loved her. I'm sad my kids won't get to experience her as grandma. She slipped into the spoiler role with my niece a little too easily; it was fun and horrifying to watch.  I have so many pregnancy related questions to ask her and experiences to share with her. The woman had 7 kids! When I was whining about something, she always said, "Did I ever mention how painful it was to give birth to you?" I would only respond, "Well I didn't ask to be born." But now I would say, "Do tell! And tell me about all the others too."

I'd also like to know how in the world, after 7 kids, she had not one stretch mark. Please let my stomach skin be that elastic!