TGIMFF

I generally shouldn't admit this, but I'm at the part of my day where I avoid eye contact and pretend to be busy in hopes that the person walking towards me at the desk decides to figure-it-out instead.

Today I started off in an optimistic, isn't-life-grand kind of mood, then I got to work. I'm good at what I do and I enjoy helping people (idiots), but I have an alter ego in my head who screams obscenities all day.

When I say, "Hi, how can I help you?" with a customer service smile, my inner bitch says What now?

When I say, "I'm sorry I don't understand what you're asking me. What is it that I can help you with?" with a concerned furrowed brow to someone who has a long, drawn out, melodramatic explanation to a probably simple question, the voice inside screams, Bitch, I don't know your life! Just get to the point.

When I respond "No problemo!" with a smiley face to a supervisor who sends a passive aggressive email demanding something disguised as a request, complete with bitchy smiley face emoticons, the smart ass inside of me types I'll think about it.

When I kindly tell the man yapping on his cell phone, "Hi sir, please whisper or refrain from talking on the phone as it disturbs those around you," the bitch inside growls you're on my last fucking nerve right now, buddy.

It's really exhausting being nice with this bitch inside. I'm also rul (not real, but rul, when you spell a word and use it grammatically incorrectly, the intensity doubles) hungry, which is like fuel to the bitch fire. Tonight is date night, so Neno and I are going to our favorite Indian restaurant. I just have to hang on and act sweet for one more hour, then I'll knock this bitch out eating some spicy, vegetarian South Indian grub with my papi chulo. Grub? I hate when people say shit like that.

I had an eating disorder for 13 years and a popular therapy strategy that worked well for me -- besides chasing my heavy medication with alcohol -- was referring to the eating disorder as "Ed," and distinguishing myself from him. I didn't have a problem; it was that asshole Ed. I liked this blame game so well, I use it all the time --for example there's "The Bitch" that I spoke of earlier and "Vinny" who likes his wine. I don't have an eating disorder anymore, but I'm a little schizophrenic. Which is so much better.